The Longest Day of My Life.

The tension I feel inside is so powerful -- it's almost as strong as that night we lied helplessly in the snow, staring at each other with an intense, fixed gaze that held our contrasting desires to stay apart or let loose. Do you know that I care about you like I've never cared about anyone? Do you know that as much changing as I've done, as much as I've worked so hard to become a nicer, more giving person, I wonder if you'd be proud? Sometimes I wish so badly that we could be together so that I could show you how I've changed. I just wish I could give endlessly to you and take care of you and tell you that I love you and that I always will. I envision us cuddling, your head resting on my shoulder, and I tell you all these things as you look up into my eyes. And I softly stroke the side of your cheek and openly admit all these things with more love and sincerity than ever before. That's the scene that I picture in my head all the time.

I am just very lost. I'm sorry if you were upset when you heart I went on a date. And if you didn't care at all, that's okay too. It scares me to keep going on these dates because each date would mean falling farther and farther away from you. I don't want that to happen.

I'll readily admit that although seeing you is so hard, I secretly wish that you'll look at me and want to do something to change the situation so we can be together. It's an awful thing to say, and that's why I've never said it. I guess I still have a lot more to work on. Maybe Hashem allotted the things I wanted in stages; when I was younger, it was easier to acquire an afternoon at the pool, a snack, a new toy. In high school I had to work a little bit to get a good grade or buy some new clothes. In seminary I had to dig deep and fight to gain everything that I did. And maybe now Hashem is telling me that it's the end of the line; at some point, we can't have everything we want. And ultimately, the most desirable wants are the ones that are "saved for last." I can't, and won't, have you. And I've never had to bear this kind of situation, let alone all the emotions involved because its you.

I spent the whole day looking for you, hoping that maybe, at some point, we would meet. Whether it be in person, through a text . . . but no such luck. I give you so much credit for being able to tell yourself no because I clearly could not do the same. It's pathetic . . . I'm still in the kitchen hoping if I turn around I'll see you standing in the driveway or something, giving in to all your desires to want to just see me one last time. But I know that when I turn around that ridiculous fantasy will not be true, and it's so stupid of me to still be up late crying over this blog post when I have to wake up in 4 hours for my flight back to New York.  (I turned around; I was right.)

Honestly. . . I don't know. It's up to Hashem. I'm just expecting us to never be together again. I don't know how I'm going to handle this, I can't imagine how long it's going to take to get over what we had. I'm sorry for ruining the best thing I ever experienced with the most amazing person I've ever met.

Tear show begins.

Fading.

These new feelings may be fleeting, and although I don't want to speak to soon, I can't help it. For the first time in months and years, I am so excited to be trying something different. Today I woke up with a new vibrance and confidence that I've been missing for awhile. Life has presented a new reality for me, and b"h I'm embracing it :)

All those memories and fantasies that I wasted so much time dreaming seem to be fading away. I don't feel the same interest in dreaming anymore. I'm ready for more, and the daydreams will never give that to me. No longer will I scan the subways for what isn't there. No more listening to music with a heavy heart.
Hopefully this roller coaster ride won't fail me anytime soon. Because today I feel confident, and I hope tomorrow is the same. I rode the same ride for so long, I forgot the thrill of something new and unexpected.

Cheers to new opportunities ;)

Change.

One of the most challenging yet rewarding parts of life is change. Change is a beautiful thing . . . but it means deviating from our comfort zone, and I think that scares people.

Most of my friends can attest to the fact that I've changed a lot over the past few years. And while I'll openly acknowledge it, I've never able to really understand it from their perspective . . . until now. While I was cleaning out my room this week, I found my senior yearbook. Talk about flashback from the past! The nostalgia was incredible . . . and for the first time in three years I was able to look at those pictures and finally see the stark difference between who I used to be and who I've become.

It's pretty hard to explain personal changes. Most of my family and friends see my external changes or "religious changes," which makes sense because those have been some of the biggest changes in my life. But I'll never really be able to express to them the real changes that sparked everything -- feelings and wishes that I could only recognize deep, deep down. Many of the internal changes I've made were rooted in me since I was young; maybe back then I didn't foresee becoming frum as the "answer," but now that I've learned more and been exposed to different people and places, I realize that Judaism addresses and emphasizes so many of the things I wanted to change about myself.

I feel bad for people that are scared of change. Forget external or religious changes, just change in general. Developing new philosophies, beliefs, hobbies, routine, etc is a healthy, normal thing. Just like a child slowly evolves into an adult, and an adult into an elder, the crux of our existence relies on changing and evolving as people. There's so much potential in this world to do more, be more --  but none of that is possible if a person is unwilling to deviate from their comfort zone.

I don't regret the changes I've made because I feel like I'm accessing the potentials and opportunities that were meant for me. I hope I'm becoming a better person than I used to be . . . after all that's where all this change business sprouted from in the first place. For awhile I used to wallow in my sorrows for all the people, places, and experiences I've given up as a result of my changes, but I've realized that with every new chapter of life comes new people, places, and experiences which are meant to help us learn and grow into new people.

I look back at my old letters and pictures with such great memories; many of those people still have such a special place in my heart. And though we've all taken different paths, it's so amazing that through it all, we've accepted each other for our changes. I'm so thankful that the Ribbono Shel Olam allowed me to have friends that accept me for who I've become.

Day One.

Day one of being lonely again.

Back to staring at my phone, waiting for someone to say something to me. And once again, none of those texts will be the one I'm secretly wishing for.

Can't Make It Feel Right, When You Know That Its Wrong

If you only knew how difficult this is, how conflicted I am inside.

So many of my friends complain how they wish they had someone to talk to every night or text or spend time with. And I sympathize with them, because I know what it's like to feel all alone and wish for that text at the end of the day asking how you're doing, or someone to meet for dinner. I am so grateful to have you. You are such a great boy.. Every feeling I've had for you has been as genuine as they come. Every smile, every joke, every hug, every kiss.. I meant it with the utmost sincerity.

But I also feel so guilty all the time because there's things that keep coming to mind, keep getting at my conscious, yet I haven't been able to bring myself to discuss them with you. As we both know, I made some changes in Israel and, as a result, I want different things now. I have new goals and aspirations. And, as a result, it makes this hard because some of the changes I hope to make mean real lifestyle changes. So while we talk, flirt and have a great time, my guilty conscious quietly hovers deep inside me, constantly questioning my actions and decisions, asking me, "Where do you see this going? Does he want the same things as you? And if he doesn't, why are you doing this to him?"


The last thing I want to do is lead you on or, G-d forbid, hurt you.


That's why I decided to write something. Even if I can't verbally express it yet, I need you to know what I'm feeling. I can't do this to you anymore, and I've been unable to bring myself to tell you. I want to be with you so badly, but realistically that's a selfish desire because, like I told you during our snow fight, if you really love someone you'll sacrifice anything for them. And while I don't necessarily want to sacrifice what we have, I also don't want to keep misleading you on where things stand from my perspective.


It's been a tough year for both of us. ]Ohio State is hard for me because I made Judaism a priority when I stepped off the airplane, and yes, it is a great school educationally, but it is so hard to hold on to those religious values when you're on your own. And on your side, I understand that YU is tough as well. It's hard to adjust, hard to balance such a loaded schedule, and still feel like you're getting a normal, fun college experience.


You really are a great person, and I have learned so much from you. Your willingness to do for others, to constantly give of yourself, and your tremendous kindness to everyone around you has left an indelible impression on me. I hope one day I will be able to reflect such amazing character traits.


So I guess this is it. The part I've been dreading, If I thought it was hard to say goodbye once, it's even harder to have to do it again. I miss you already. If I hurt you, I am very sorry. I just think it's time to face reality, and as much as we both might have wanted this to work, I just don't think we can let our emotions dictate the whole picture anymore. Gotta look outside of the box and consider our futures, our goals, and our values.


Man this hurts.

Good luck in everything,

Love,
Bari

Bad Mood.

I know it's just a bad mood. I keep trying to remind myself of that, but despite my efforts, my confidence and self-esteem continue to plummet by the minute. I feel so down. Physically, I look down and feel so unattractive. I don't have an amazing body, good skin, or a sense of style. Usually it doesn't bother me as much, but lately all I can think about it is how unattractive I feel. I walk through crowds with my head down, and I stare longingly at other girls on campus wishing I could look like that.

I don't really care if boys here find me attractive, but every now and then it's nice to quickly make eye contact with someone and see a small hint of attraction in their eyes. I don't feel that here very often, if at all. I know, I dress like a grandma. And while I don't always mind it, today I do. No, I'm not the good-looking blonde walking through the oval in spandex and Uggs, and I don't know if I want to be, but I just wish that whatever style it is I'm sporting right now would catch the eye of someone.

And after all of this physical nonsense, I feel like such an empty person. I feel like all of the spirituality I spent last year building on is completely gone. I feel like I'm living in a cycle of meaningless routine. I've stopped learning. I listen to and watch garbage. And the small things I do maintain, like davening or tznius, don't penetrate at all. I thought with a little motivation I could wake up one morning and bring it back--build myself back up like I used to be--but no such luck. I'm so stuck, so lost.

I miss my friends. I miss frum people. I miss feeling meaning in life.

Hashem Yisbarach, please help me.

Sucks

The hardest thing about seeing him is staring into his eyes and never wanting to look away, even though I know that nothing's going to change. And while I stand there like an idiot, smiling away, in reality I'm just staring into the eyes of a future I will never be apart of.

I never dreamt I'd be in a situation like this, where fate would determine that it wasn't meant to be; it hurts so bad knowing that even if we tried to fight it, we couldn't win. It makes me question why anything happened in the first place. Why? Why did this have to happen? Why can't he just be the person I'm supposed to end up with?

We don't really talk about it anymore. It's just kind of understood that behind all of the flirting, smiling, and laughing that it's over. It's pretty unfortunate; I don't even know how he feels anymore. I assume he still has some feelings for me, otherwise we wouldn't flirt so much or find ourselves staring at each other for moments at a time.


I don't really know what's going to happen in the future though. Obviously things can't stay like this. I guess we'll stop talking eventually and just move on, even though we've still held on to our feelings for each other for quite some time now. Over a year.

This has been the worst heartache I've ever experienced. I wish I could just get over it and stop talking about it already. But I also hate it that I can't hold him anymore and that he can't hold me anymore. That we can't openly express our feelings for each other. That I can't spend time with him without feeling guilty. And most of all, I hate seeing him because when we say goodbye and I find myself gazing into his eyes again, I want to kiss him so badly. I want to tell him that I'll miss him and cry in his arms for a little bit. And I want him to kiss me back, miss me, hold me.

I used to have that, and now it's gone forever.