The Longest Day of My Life.

The tension I feel inside is so powerful -- it's almost as strong as that night we lied helplessly in the snow, staring at each other with an intense, fixed gaze that held our contrasting desires to stay apart or let loose. Do you know that I care about you like I've never cared about anyone? Do you know that as much changing as I've done, as much as I've worked so hard to become a nicer, more giving person, I wonder if you'd be proud? Sometimes I wish so badly that we could be together so that I could show you how I've changed. I just wish I could give endlessly to you and take care of you and tell you that I love you and that I always will. I envision us cuddling, your head resting on my shoulder, and I tell you all these things as you look up into my eyes. And I softly stroke the side of your cheek and openly admit all these things with more love and sincerity than ever before. That's the scene that I picture in my head all the time.

I am just very lost. I'm sorry if you were upset when you heart I went on a date. And if you didn't care at all, that's okay too. It scares me to keep going on these dates because each date would mean falling farther and farther away from you. I don't want that to happen.

I'll readily admit that although seeing you is so hard, I secretly wish that you'll look at me and want to do something to change the situation so we can be together. It's an awful thing to say, and that's why I've never said it. I guess I still have a lot more to work on. Maybe Hashem allotted the things I wanted in stages; when I was younger, it was easier to acquire an afternoon at the pool, a snack, a new toy. In high school I had to work a little bit to get a good grade or buy some new clothes. In seminary I had to dig deep and fight to gain everything that I did. And maybe now Hashem is telling me that it's the end of the line; at some point, we can't have everything we want. And ultimately, the most desirable wants are the ones that are "saved for last." I can't, and won't, have you. And I've never had to bear this kind of situation, let alone all the emotions involved because its you.

I spent the whole day looking for you, hoping that maybe, at some point, we would meet. Whether it be in person, through a text . . . but no such luck. I give you so much credit for being able to tell yourself no because I clearly could not do the same. It's pathetic . . . I'm still in the kitchen hoping if I turn around I'll see you standing in the driveway or something, giving in to all your desires to want to just see me one last time. But I know that when I turn around that ridiculous fantasy will not be true, and it's so stupid of me to still be up late crying over this blog post when I have to wake up in 4 hours for my flight back to New York.  (I turned around; I was right.)

Honestly. . . I don't know. It's up to Hashem. I'm just expecting us to never be together again. I don't know how I'm going to handle this, I can't imagine how long it's going to take to get over what we had. I'm sorry for ruining the best thing I ever experienced with the most amazing person I've ever met.

Tear show begins.