Bad Mood.

I know it's just a bad mood. I keep trying to remind myself of that, but despite my efforts, my confidence and self-esteem continue to plummet by the minute. I feel so down. Physically, I look down and feel so unattractive. I don't have an amazing body, good skin, or a sense of style. Usually it doesn't bother me as much, but lately all I can think about it is how unattractive I feel. I walk through crowds with my head down, and I stare longingly at other girls on campus wishing I could look like that.

I don't really care if boys here find me attractive, but every now and then it's nice to quickly make eye contact with someone and see a small hint of attraction in their eyes. I don't feel that here very often, if at all. I know, I dress like a grandma. And while I don't always mind it, today I do. No, I'm not the good-looking blonde walking through the oval in spandex and Uggs, and I don't know if I want to be, but I just wish that whatever style it is I'm sporting right now would catch the eye of someone.

And after all of this physical nonsense, I feel like such an empty person. I feel like all of the spirituality I spent last year building on is completely gone. I feel like I'm living in a cycle of meaningless routine. I've stopped learning. I listen to and watch garbage. And the small things I do maintain, like davening or tznius, don't penetrate at all. I thought with a little motivation I could wake up one morning and bring it back--build myself back up like I used to be--but no such luck. I'm so stuck, so lost.

I miss my friends. I miss frum people. I miss feeling meaning in life.

Hashem Yisbarach, please help me.

Sucks

The hardest thing about seeing him is staring into his eyes and never wanting to look away, even though I know that nothing's going to change. And while I stand there like an idiot, smiling away, in reality I'm just staring into the eyes of a future I will never be apart of.

I never dreamt I'd be in a situation like this, where fate would determine that it wasn't meant to be; it hurts so bad knowing that even if we tried to fight it, we couldn't win. It makes me question why anything happened in the first place. Why? Why did this have to happen? Why can't he just be the person I'm supposed to end up with?

We don't really talk about it anymore. It's just kind of understood that behind all of the flirting, smiling, and laughing that it's over. It's pretty unfortunate; I don't even know how he feels anymore. I assume he still has some feelings for me, otherwise we wouldn't flirt so much or find ourselves staring at each other for moments at a time.


I don't really know what's going to happen in the future though. Obviously things can't stay like this. I guess we'll stop talking eventually and just move on, even though we've still held on to our feelings for each other for quite some time now. Over a year.

This has been the worst heartache I've ever experienced. I wish I could just get over it and stop talking about it already. But I also hate it that I can't hold him anymore and that he can't hold me anymore. That we can't openly express our feelings for each other. That I can't spend time with him without feeling guilty. And most of all, I hate seeing him because when we say goodbye and I find myself gazing into his eyes again, I want to kiss him so badly. I want to tell him that I'll miss him and cry in his arms for a little bit. And I want him to kiss me back, miss me, hold me.

I used to have that, and now it's gone forever.