So many of my friends complain how they wish they had someone to talk to every night or text or spend time with. And I sympathize with them, because I know what it's like to feel all alone and wish for that text at the end of the day asking how you're doing, or someone to meet for dinner. I am so grateful to have you. You are such a great boy.. Every feeling I've had for you has been as genuine as they come. Every smile, every joke, every hug, every kiss.. I meant it with the utmost sincerity.
But I also feel so guilty all the time because there's things that keep coming to mind, keep getting at my conscious, yet I haven't been able to bring myself to discuss them with you. As we both know, I made some changes in Israel and, as a result, I want different things now. I have new goals and aspirations. And, as a result, it makes this hard because some of the changes I hope to make mean real lifestyle changes. So while we talk, flirt and have a great time, my guilty conscious quietly hovers deep inside me, constantly questioning my actions and decisions, asking me, "Where do you see this going? Does he want the same things as you? And if he doesn't, why are you doing this to him?"
The last thing I want to do is lead you on or, G-d forbid, hurt you.
That's why I decided to write something. Even if I can't verbally express it yet, I need you to know what I'm feeling. I can't do this to you anymore, and I've been unable to bring myself to tell you. I want to be with you so badly, but realistically that's a selfish desire because, like I told you during our snow fight, if you really love someone you'll sacrifice anything for them. And while I don't necessarily want to sacrifice what we have, I also don't want to keep misleading you on where things stand from my perspective.
It's been a tough year for both of us. ]Ohio State is hard for me because I made Judaism a priority when I stepped off the airplane, and yes, it is a great school educationally, but it is so hard to hold on to those religious values when you're on your own. And on your side, I understand that YU is tough as well. It's hard to adjust, hard to balance such a loaded schedule, and still feel like you're getting a normal, fun college experience.
You really are a great person, and I have learned so much from you. Your willingness to do for others, to constantly give of yourself, and your tremendous kindness to everyone around you has left an indelible impression on me. I hope one day I will be able to reflect such amazing character traits.
So I guess this is it. The part I've been dreading, If I thought it was hard to say goodbye once, it's even harder to have to do it again. I miss you already. If I hurt you, I am very sorry. I just think it's time to face reality, and as much as we both might have wanted this to work, I just don't think we can let our emotions dictate the whole picture anymore. Gotta look outside of the box and consider our futures, our goals, and our values.
Man this hurts.
Good luck in everything,
Love,
Bari
The last thing I want to do is lead you on or, G-d forbid, hurt you.
That's why I decided to write something. Even if I can't verbally express it yet, I need you to know what I'm feeling. I can't do this to you anymore, and I've been unable to bring myself to tell you. I want to be with you so badly, but realistically that's a selfish desire because, like I told you during our snow fight, if you really love someone you'll sacrifice anything for them. And while I don't necessarily want to sacrifice what we have, I also don't want to keep misleading you on where things stand from my perspective.
It's been a tough year for both of us. ]Ohio State is hard for me because I made Judaism a priority when I stepped off the airplane, and yes, it is a great school educationally, but it is so hard to hold on to those religious values when you're on your own. And on your side, I understand that YU is tough as well. It's hard to adjust, hard to balance such a loaded schedule, and still feel like you're getting a normal, fun college experience.
You really are a great person, and I have learned so much from you. Your willingness to do for others, to constantly give of yourself, and your tremendous kindness to everyone around you has left an indelible impression on me. I hope one day I will be able to reflect such amazing character traits.
So I guess this is it. The part I've been dreading, If I thought it was hard to say goodbye once, it's even harder to have to do it again. I miss you already. If I hurt you, I am very sorry. I just think it's time to face reality, and as much as we both might have wanted this to work, I just don't think we can let our emotions dictate the whole picture anymore. Gotta look outside of the box and consider our futures, our goals, and our values.
Man this hurts.
Good luck in everything,
Love,
Bari
